Anker Susan. Real Essays with Readings with 2009 MLA Update
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Practice Revising for Unity
Unity in writing means that all the points are related to your main point:
They unite to support your main point.
Sometimes writers drift away from their main point, as the writer of
the following paragraph did with the underlined sentences. The diagram
after the paragraph shows where readers might get confused.
Just a few years ago, online dating services were viewed with great
suspicion, but they now have millions of subscribers. With an online dat-
ing service, people set up their own dates and don’t have to cruise the
bars. Online dating services also give users the opportunity to screen in-
dividuals and contact only those who interest them. That screening saves
time and also helps people avoid many awkward fi rst dates. Subscribers
can exchange e-mails with prospective dates before arranging a meet-
ing. But sometimes people lie. For example, my friend e-mailed with a
guy who said he loved her, but she found out he was also e-mailing the
same thing to her cousin! She cut it off right away! With people spend-
ing so much time working, it’s hard to meet anyone outside of work,
so online dating services expand the possibilities. The opportunity to
“meet” many people without leaving your home and to screen out obvi-
ous duds is, for a growing number of people, the only way to play the
dating game.
4. Is there enough support for the main point? Where might the
writer add support?
5. Are there confusing places where you have to reread something
in order to understand it? How might the writer make the points,
the organization, or the fl ow of ideas clearer or smoother?
6. How could the conclusion be more forceful?
7. What do you most like about the essay? Where could it be better?
What would you do if it were your essay?
8. What other comments or suggestions do you have?
WRITING ESSAYS
Chapter 9 • Revising Your Draft 127
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WRITING ESSAYS
128 Part One • How to Read and Write in College
PRACTICE 1 EVALUATE UNITY
Read the following two paragraphs, and underline any detours from the main
point. In the lines provided at the end of paragraph 2, indicate which para-
graph is more unifi ed and explain why.
1. Identity theft is becoming very common in this country, but people can
take several precautions to protect themselves. One way is to buy an in-
expensive paper shredder and shred documents that contain your Social
Security number or personal fi nancial information. Shredded documents
don’t take up as much room in the trash, either. Another precaution is to
SUPPORT POINT 1: With an online dating service,
people set up their own dates and don’t have to
cruise the bars.
TOPIC SENTENCE: Just a few years ago, online dating services were viewed
with great suspicion, but they now have millions of subscribers.
CONCLUDING SENTENCE: The opportunity to “meet” many people without
leaving your home and to screen out obvious duds is, for a growing number of
people, the only way to play the dating game.
SUPPORT POINT 2: Online dating services also
give users the opportunity to screen individ uals
and contact only those who interest them.
OFF MAIN POINT: But sometimes people lie.
For example, my friend e-mailed with a guy
who said he loved her, but she found out
he was also e-mailing the same thing to her
cousin! She cut it off right away!
SUPPORT POINT 3: With people spending so
much time working, it’s hard to meet anyone
outside of work, so online dating services expand
the possibilities.
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DETOUR
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WRITING ESSAYS
Chapter 9 • Revising Your Draft 129
avoid mailing change-of-address postcards. Thieves can intercept these
and use them to get mail sent to your old address. Half the time people
never keep these cards, so they just waste the postage. It would be bet-
ter to notify people of your address change by phone or e-mail. When I
moved, I sent postcards that had a misprint, so they weren’t good anyway.
A third way is to avoid ever giving out your Social Security number. Even
these precautions don’t guarantee that your identity won’t be stolen, but
they will help prevent what is a time-consuming and expensive problem
to set right.
2. Many new markets have appeared to meet the needs of pet owners who
treat their pets as if they were precious children. The most thriving market
is clothing, especially items that allow owners and their dogs to dress alike.
This clothing includes cruisewear, formalwear, and jeweled loungewear.
Another big market is made up of hotels all over the world that advertise
themselves as pet-friendly. These hotels provide doggie or cat beds, on-site
grooming, and pet care professionals. The rooms are uniquely decorated
and provide special meals prepared and served to meet the needs of each
“guest.” Each guest also is treated to an individualized exercise program.
These new markets don’t cater to the conservative spender: They appeal to
those pet owners who seem willing to spend any amount of money on luxu-
ries for their pets. Live and let live, but it all seems mighty crazy to me.
MORE UNIFIED PARAGRAPH:
Paragraph 2
REASONS THAT THIS PARAGRAPH IS MORE UNIFIED THAN THE OTHER:
Answers
will vary, but students should note that all of the support in the second
paragraph clearly relates to the main point.
PRACTICE 2 REVISE FOR UNITY
Each of the following essays includes sentences that are off the main point.
Underline those sentences. The main point in each essay is in boldface type.
■ TEACHING TIP
Choose a student to
read these essays aloud
to the class, and ask
the rest of the class to
stop the reader as soon
as the essay detours
from the main point.
■ For more practice
in achieving unity
in writing, visit
Exercise Central at
bedfordstmartins
.com/realessays.
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WRITING ESSAYS
130 Part One • How to Read and Write in College
1. Look for fi ve off-the-point sentences.
Oprah Winfrey is one of the most infl uential people of our
times, but that doesn’t mean that life is easy for her. As a child in
rural Mississippi, she was dirt-poor and sexually abused. Somehow, she
managed to climb out of that existence and become successful. But be-
cause she is now a superstar, every aspect of her life is under the media
spotlight, and she is frequently criticized for everything from her weight
to her attempts to help people spiritually.
Oprah’s roller-coaster weight profi le is always news. Every supermarket
tabloid, every week, seems to have some new information about Oprah and
her weight. I can relate to how humiliating that must be. She looked like a
balloon in a recent picture I saw, even fatter than my Aunt Greta.
Oprah is also criticized for her wealth, estimated to be at about $800
million. You never hear about the charitable work she does, only about
how much money she has. She has a fabulous apartment overlooking
Lake Michigan in Chicago. While many businesspeople are as wealthy as
Oprah, few are criticized as often — or as publicly — as she is.
Even Oprah’s book club and magazine, O, bring unwarranted nega-
tivity. “Who is she to recommend books?” say some, and “What does
she know about publishing?” say others. I especially liked the book She’s
Come Undone. What could possibly be wrong with recommending books
and championing literacy? Yet one high-profi le author, Jonathan Franzen,
said he did not want the Oprah book club logo on his novel The Correc-
tions because he thought it would negatively affect his literary reputation.
He’s a real snob in my mind, and all my friends think so, too.
Oprah Winfrey, despite her wealth and fame, does not have an easy
life. Her critics feel free to cut her down at every turn. Instead, why not
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WRITING ESSAYS
Chapter 9 • Revising Your Draft 131
celebrate her personal and professional achievements? She deserves re-
spect, not ridicule.
2. Look for four off-the-point sentences.
A recent survey of the places students prefer to study revealed
some strange results. We would expect the usual answers, such as the
library, a bedroom, a desk, the kitchen, and the survey respondents did in
fact name such areas. But some people prefer less traditional places.
One unusual place cited was a church. The respondent said it was
a great spot to study when services weren’t taking place because it was
always quiet and not crowded. Some churches are locked during the day
because of vandalism. Other churches have had big problems with theft.
Another unusual study area was the locker room during a football
game. A problem is that the person would miss the game. Except for half-
time, the large area was empty. The person who studied there claimed
that there was a high energy level in the locker room that, combined with
the quiet, helped him concentrate. I wonder what the smell was like,
though.
The most surprising preference for a place to study was the bleachers
by the pool of a gym. The light was good, said the student, she loved the
smell of chlorine, and the sound of water was soothing.
The results may seem strange — a church, a locker room, and a
pool — but they do share some characteristics: quiet, relative solitude, and
no interruptions, other than half-time. Perhaps we should all think about
new places that might help us study.
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WRITING ESSAYS
132 Part One • How to Read and Write in College
Practice Revising for
Support and Detail
Support is the evidence, examples, or facts that show, explain, or prove
your main point. Primary support points are the major ideas developed
in the paragraphs that make up the body of your essay. Supporting de-
tails are the specifi cs that explain your primary support to your readers.
When you read your draft essay, ask yourself: Do you provide enough
information for your reader to understand the main point? Do you present
enough evidence to convince your reader of that point? Look for places
where you could add more support and detail.
Read the two paragraphs that follow, and note the support the writer
added to the second one. Notice that she didn’t simply add to the paragraph;
she also deleted some words and rearranged others to make the story clearer
to readers. The additions are underlined; the deletions are crossed out.
This morning I learned that my local police respond quickly and
thoroughly to 911 calls. I meant to dial 411 for directory assistance, but
by mistake I dialed 911. I hung up after only one ring because I realized
what I’d done. A few seconds after I hung up, the phone rang, and it
was the police dispatcher. She said that she’d received a 911 call from
my number and was checking. I explained what happened, and she said
she had to send a cruiser over anyway. Within a minute, the cruiser
pulled in, and I explained what happened. I apologized and felt very
stupid, but I thanked him. I am glad to know that if I ever need to call
911, the police will be there.
REVISED TO ADD SUPPORT AND DETAIL
This morning I tested the 911 emergency system and found that it
worked perfectly. Unfortunately, the test was a mistake. learned that my
local police respond quickly and thoroughly to 911 calls. I meant to dial
411 for directory assistance, but without thinking by mistake I dialed 911.
I frantically pushed the disconnect button hung up after only one ring
because I realized my error. what I’d done. As I reached for the phone to
dial 411, A few seconds after I hung up, it rang like an alarm. the phone
rang, and it was the police dispatcher. The police dispatcher crisply an-
nounced She said that she’d received a 911 call from my number and
was checking. I laughed weakly and explained what happened, hoping
she would see the humor or at least the innocent human error. Instead,
■ For more on
primary support points
and supporting details,
see Chapter 6.
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WRITING ESSAYS
Chapter 9 • Revising Your Draft 133
the crispness of her voice became brittle as and she said she had to send a
cruiser over anyway. I went to meet my fate. Within a minute, the cruiser
pulled in, and a police offi cer swaggered toward me. I explained what
had happened, apologized, and thanked him very humbly. I felt guilty of
stupidity, at the very least. and felt very stupid, but I thanked him. We
learn from our mistakes, and in this case I am glad to know that if I ever
need to call 911, the police will be there.
PRACTICE 3 EVALUATE SUPPORT
In the two paragraphs that follow, the main points are in bold. Underline
the primary support points, and put a check mark by each supporting detail.
Then, in the lines provided at the end of paragraph 2, indicate which para-
graph provides better support and explain why.
1. Women tend to learn the art of fl y fi shing more easily than
men. For one thing, they have more patience, which is key to successful
fi shing. It may take many hours of silent, solitary fi shing to catch a single
fi sh. Even long hours may net no fi sh, and men tend to be more eager for
re
⻬
sults. This can make them more car
⻬
eless. Women also tend to be more
sensitive to subtle movements. This trait helps both in the casting motion
and in the reeling in of a fi sh. Women are more likely to take breaks than
men, who continue even when they are frustrated or tired. Women may
also spend money on the appropriate attire for fi shing, gear that is water-
proof and warm. Finally, women are more receptive to fi shing advice than
are men. These feminine traits make a big difference in fl y fi shing.
2. Because they are susceptible to certain safety problems, people
over the age of seventy-fi ve should be required by law to take a
driving test every year. Some people believe that such a law would
represent age discrimination because many people are great drivers until
they are in their nineties. But government statistics indicate that people
over seventy-fi ve have more accidents than younger drivers do. One com-
mon failing of older drivers is impaired peripheral vision. This makes it
■ TEACHING TIP
Try reading these or
other examples out
loud, removing any
transitional words and
phrases. Then discuss
how the lack of transi-
tions makes it diffi cult
for the reader to con-
nect ideas in logical
order. Also ask how
the paragraph is
organized — by time,
space, or importance.
⻬
⻬
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WRITING ESSAYS
134 Part One • How to Read and Write in College
diffi cult for them to see cars on either side or at an intersection. Another
common problem is a longer response time. Although older drivers may
know to stop, it takes them much longer to move their foot from the gas
pedal to the brake than it does younger drivers. This lengthened response
time is the most common cause of accidents among older drivers. The
most dangerous failing among older drivers is a loss of memory. Consider
this common scenario: The driver starts to back out of a parking space
after checking to see that there’s nothing behind him. He then notices that
his sunglasses have fallen on the fl oor. He retrieves them and puts his foot
back on the gas pedal without remembering that he needs to look again.
Because he is still in reverse, the car moves quickly and hits the person or
car now behind him. Although it may inconvenience older drivers to take
annual driving tests, it will help save injuries and lives.
PARAGRAPH WITH BETTER SUPPORT:
Paragraph 2
REASONS THAT THIS PARAGRAPH’S SUPPORT IS BETTER:
Answers will vary,
but students might note that paragraph 2 provides supporting details for
each primary support point, while paragraph 1 introduces certain points
without backing them at all.
PRACTICE 4 REVISE FOR SUPPORT
Read the following essay, and write in the space provided at least one addi-
tional support point or detail for each body paragraph and for the conclusion.
Indicate where the added material should go in the paragraph by writing in
a caret (
^
).
If it’s leather, I love it. Anything made of leather makes me want to
spend some time admiring it. This appeal is not just limited to coats and
jackets but includes furniture, bags, gloves, boots, and any other leather
product I fi nd. To me it’s an all-around wonderful experience.
The smell of leather is intoxicating. It seems to hang in the air, in-
viting me to take a big whiff. I smell the leather, especially soft leather,
⻬
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■ RESOURCES
To gauge students’
understanding of revi-
sion issues, including
support and coherence,
use the Testing Tool Kit
CD available with this
book.
■ For more practice
in revising for support,
visit Exercise Central
at bedfordstmartins
.com/realessays.
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WRITING ESSAYS
Chapter 9 • Revising Your Draft 135
and it is wonderful. I’d like to bury my nose in a soft leather jacket for
hours.
Answers will vary.
Leather also feels wonderful to the touch. It is smooth and silky. It
feels soothing against my cheek and hands. When I’m wearing a leather
jacket, I have to stop myself from running my hands up and down the
sides and sleeves because it just feels so smooth and soft.
Finally, leather is comfortable, whatever form it comes in. A
leather coat or jacket doesn’t just look good — it’s also very warm.
Pull on a pair of leather gloves, and your hands won’t be cold. And,
best of all, sink into a soft, buttery leather easy chair. I guarantee it will
relax you.
Just writing this essay about leather makes me want to put on a
leather jacket and some soft leather slippers, and fi nd a great leather
chair to curl up in. It’s my kind of heaven.
Practice Revising
for Coherence
Coherence in writing means that all the support connects to form a whole.
In other words, even when the support is arranged in a logical order, it still
needs “glue” to connect the various points.
A piece of writing that lacks coherence sounds choppy, and it is hard
for the reader to follow. Revising for coherence improves an essay by help-
ing readers see how one point leads to another. The best way to improve
coherence is to add transitions.
Transitions are words, phrases, and sentences that connect ideas so
that writing moves smoothly from one point to another. Transitions can
be used to connect sentences and ideas within a paragraph and also to
connect one paragraph to another. The box on page 136 lists some, but
not all, of the most common transitions and their purpose.
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WRITING ESSAYS
136 Part One • How to Read and Write in College
Common Transitional Words and Phrases
INDICATE SPACE
above below near to the right
across beside next to to the side
at the bottom beyond opposite under
at the top farther over where
behind inside to the left
INDICATE TIME
after eventually meanwhile soon
as fi nally next then
at last fi rst now when
before last second while
during later since
INDICATE IMPORTANCE
above all in fact more important most
best in particular most important worst
especially
SIGNAL EXAMPLES
for example for instance for one thing one reason
SIGNAL ADDITIONS
additionally and as well as in addition
also another furthermore moreover
SIGNAL CONTRAST
although in contrast nevertheless still
but instead on the other hand yet
however
SIGNAL CAUSE OR CONSEQUENCE
as a result fi nally so therefore
because
■ TEACHING TIP
Have students bring
in newspaper articles
in which they have
circled all the transi-
tions. Then, have them
try reading parts of the
articles aloud without
the transitions. Discuss
the results.
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