Anker Susan. Real Essays with Readings with 2009 MLA Update
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EDITING ESSAYS
Chapter 34 • Word Choice 637
Slang
Slang is informal and casual language that is shared by a particular group.
Slang should be used only in informal and casual situations. Avoid it when
you write, especially for college classes or at work. Use language that is
appropriate for your audience and purpose.
SLANG EDITED
I’m going to chill at home. I’m going to relax at home.
I dumped Destina. I told Destina that I wanted to end
our relationship.
I’ve been working crazy hard on I’ve been working extremely hard on
my research project. my research project.
If you are not sure if a word is slang, check an online source, such as
www.slangsite.com or www.manythings.org.
PRACTICE 2 AVOIDING SLANG
In the following sentences, underline any slang words. Then, edit the sen-
tences by replacing the slang with language appropriate for a formal audience
and purpose. Imagine, for example, that you are writing to a supervisor at
work.
EXAMPLE: As a cafeteria cashier, I am uniquely clued in to students’
eating habits.
1. I realize that our food service managers think it is cool to serve exactly the
foods that students want.
2. However, every day I see fi rsthand that most of our students are living on
a wacko diet.
3. For instance, I know one dude who eats nothing but potato chips and
bread.
4. He is certain it’s no biggie that he never eats any fruit or veggies, and there
are many students like him.
aware of
^
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EDITING ESSAYS
638 Part Six • Word Use
5. I am not proposing that we become nutritional cops and dictate to stu-
dents what they should eat.
6. I have no desire to rat on students just because they choose to eat nothing
but nutritionally devoid foods once in a while.
7. But in our effort to save a few bucks, it seems to me that we are depriving
students of many important food choices that would enrich their diets.
8. For example, a signifi cantly expanded fruit and salad station would allow
our vegetarians an opportunity to do their thing.
9. Adding more healthy food choices might also help students to realize that
awesome nutrition can be both sensible and fashionable.
10. I hope you don’t feel that I am screwing up by making such a fl ap about
this, but it is only because I want our students to be as healthy as possible.
Wordy Language
Sometimes people think that using more words or using big words will
make them sound smart and important. But using too many words in a
piece of writing can obscure or weaken the point.
Wordy language includes phrases that contain too many words, un-
necessarily modify a statement, or use slightly different words without
adding any new ideas. It also includes overblown language — unnecessarily
complicated words and phrases that are often used to make the writer or
writing sound important.
WORDY We have no openings at this point in time.
EDITED We have no openings now.
[The phrase at this point in time uses fi ve words to express what could be said in
one word — now.]
WORDY In the opinion of this writer, tuition is too high.
EDITED Tuition is too high.
[The qualifying phrase in the opinion of this writer is not necessary and weakens
the statement.]
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EDITING ESSAYS
Chapter 34 • Word Choice 639
WORDY In our advertising, we will utilize the superlative
photographic images of ArtSense.
EDITED Our advertising will use ArtSense photographs.
[The words utilize and superlative photographic images are overblown.]
Common Wordy Expressions
WORDY EDITED
A great number of Many
A large number of Many
As a result of Because
At that time Then
At the conclusion of At the end
At this point in time Now
Due to the fact that Because
In order to To
In spite of the fact that Although
In the event that If
In this day and age Now
In this paper I will show that ( Just make the point; don’t
announce it.)
It is my opinion that I think (or just make the point)
The fact of the matter is that (Just state the point.)
PRACTICE 3 AVOIDING WORDY LANGUAGE
In the following sentences, underline the wordy language. Then, edit each
sentence to make it more concise.
EXAMPLE: The fact of the matter is that all drivers get angry some-
times, but nobody has ever heard of a car getting angry.
1. At this point in time, that may be changing, thanks to four Japanese
inventors.
All
^
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EDITING ESSAYS
640 Part Six • Word Use
2. They are the people who have recently patented a car that can look angry
and appear to cry, laugh, or wink.
3. The patent application describes a car with an antenna that wags, head-
lights that become dimmer and then grow brighter in an expressive fash-
ion, and ornaments that look like eyebrows, eyelids, and tears.
4. The car would seem to be “sleeping” at the point in time in which its
headlights, or eyes, are closed, and the antenna is limp.
5. In order to have the vehicle express anger, the car’s hood would glow red
as the eyebrows light up.
6. The operator of the motor vehicle would be able to make the car “wink”
by dimming one headlight and vibrating the antenna.
7. In the event that the driver wants the car to “cry,” he or she could make
the hood dark blue, shade the headlights, and show a blinking “tear”
light.
8. The inventors believe that orange is the best color to show happiness and
that red is the best color for anger, in spite of the fact that others may
disagree.
9. The inventors say that their ideas could be applied not just to cars but
could also be taken advantage of for motorcycles, ships, or aircraft.
10. Critics of the expressive car have put forward the opinion that it might be
too distracting to other drivers.
Clichés
Clichés are phrases used so often that people no longer pay attention to
them. To get your point across and to get your readers’ attention, replace
clichés with fresh language that precisely expresses your meaning.
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EDITING ESSAYS
Chapter 34 • Word Choice 641
CLICHÉS EDITED
Passing the state police exam Passing the state police exam
is no walk in the park. requires careful preparation.
I was sweating bullets until the I was anxious until the grades were
grades were posted. posted.
COMMON CLICHÉS
as big as a house last but not least
as hard as a rock more trouble than it’s worth
as light as a feather no way on earth
best/worst of times 110 percent
better late than never playing with fi re
break the ice spoiled brat
climb the corporate ladder spoiled rotten
crystal clear starting from scratch
drop in the bucket sweating blood/bullets
easier said than done 24/7
hell on earth work like a dog
There are hundreds of clichés. To check if you have used a cliché, go
to www.clichesite.com.
PRACTICE 4 AVOIDING CLICHÉS
In the following sentences, underline the clichés. Then, edit each sentence by
replacing the clichés with fresh, precise language.
EXAMPLE: The camping trip started out as smooth as silk.
1. Anthony, Matthew, and Stephen were as slow as molasses when they
began hiking, but once they got used to their heavy backpacks, they were
able to walk faster.
perfectly.
^
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EDITING ESSAYS
642 Part Six • Word Use
2. The cumbersome tent Matthew carried was heavy, but they had all agreed
beforehand not to buy a lightweight backpacking tent because money
doesn’t grow on trees.
3. Feeling it was better to be safe than sorry, Stephen had packed nearly
everything he had in double plastic bags.
4. He had gotten caught in the rain on a previous backpacking trip, and get-
ting everything soaked was so unpleasant that he wouldn’t wish it on his
worst enemy.
5. Anthony confi dently said the weather report did not mention rain, but
Stephen, looking up at the increasingly cloudy sky, said they should not
count their chickens before they hatch.
6. First, they felt an occasional drop of mist, then light sprinkles, and soon
it was raining cats and dogs.
7. They continued hiking toward their campsite, and they noticed that the
temperature had dropped abruptly, and it became bone-chillingly cold.
8. Stephen glanced over at Anthony and Matthew, and they each looked like
something the cat had dragged in.
9. Finally, they turned back, and by the time they got to their car, they felt
as though they had been run ragged.
10. As they sat in their dorm’s kitchen sipping hot chocolate, Matthew gazed
at the thunderstorm outside and thought to himself that there’s no place
like home.
Edit Paragraphs and Your Own Writing
Edit the following paragraphs for vague and abstract language, slang,
wordiness, or clichés, referring to the chart on page 646 as you need to.
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EDITING ESSAYS
Chapter 34 • Word Choice 643
EDITING REVIEW 1 (23 possible edits)
(1) Although people don’t hear much about hobos in this day and
age of tightly sealed boxcars, there was a time not long ago when hobos
were a distinct segment of American culture. (2) Even then, however,
few knew the handles of any hobos. (3) But to those who followed such
social currents, there was one hobo who stood above the crowd — Steam
Train Maury. (4) By the time he hung up his spurs from his hobo wander-
ings, he was crowned the king of the hobos fi ve times, and eventually he
achieved the status of Grand Patriarch of the Hobos.
(5) Hailing from Kansas in 1917 as Maurice W. Graham, Steam
Train Maury was the product of a troubled family. (6) He spent much of
his youth shifting from here to there. (7) In 1931, at the age of fourteen,
he jumped on a train and at this point in time he began his fi rst time as a
hobo. (8) After riding the rails and bouncing about for several years, he
became a cement mason, operated his own school for masons in Toledo,
Ohio, and later served as a medical technician during World War II. (9)
By 1971, he hooked up with a wife and had two children, but he also
developed hip problems and was unable to work much, and he became
dissatisfi ed with his life. (10) Now fi fty-four, he hopped on a freight train
with the vague intention and confused impression that he’d just relive
his hobo life for a few weeks and then return home. (11) Those two
weeks morphed into ten years during which Steam Train Maury became
a hobo legend. (12) By 1981, Mr. Graham had cowritten a book about his
sometimes exciting, sometimes boring, and sometimes frightening life as
a hobo, helped to found the Hobo Foundation, and took part in estab-
lishing the Hobo Museum in Britt, Iowa. (13) At the National Hobo
Convention held in Britt, which was celebrated every single year, he was
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EDITING ESSAYS
644 Part Six • Word Use
named the hobo king in 1973, 1975, 1976, 1978, and 1981. (14) In 2004,
he was crowned as the Grand Patriarch of the Hobos, a title so prized that
he was the only person ever to have won it.
(15) Hobos have been hopping trains for free rides ever since the
Civil War, when wandering fi eld workers and laborers took a signifi cant
and some say vital role in building the American West. (16) Later, some
hobos, as a joke, named themselves “Tourist Union Local 63.” (17) In
1900, the big shots from Britt, Iowa, offered their town for Local 63’s
hobo convention. (18) In the following decades, Britt became known as
the “hobo town,” and by 1933, it was widely publicizing its four-day hobo
convention and drawing tens of thousands to the several widely varied
events that were created just for the occasion. (19) This was during the
Great Depression, when more than a million people were sneaking onto
trains in a no-win search for work.
(20) Mr. Graham always emphasized a gussied-up view of the hobo
existence, the perspective that moved author John Steinbeck to call hobos
“the last free men.” (21) One of the typical and often-repeated examples
of Mr. Graham’s stories was that of a character called the Pennsylvania
Kid, who shaved with a piece of glass from a Coke bottle. (22) When
asked if it was true that some hobos used deodorant, Mr. Graham cracked
that it was a shame but he didn’t know what to do about it. (23) Steam
Train Maury croaked of a stroke in 2006 at the age of eighty-nine.
(24) Making a fi tting and appropriate use of the hobos’ term for death, he
had “taken the westbound.”
EDITING REVIEW 2 (22 possible edits)
(1) Do humans have a thing or two to learn from honeybees? (2) A
research study suggests that these hard-working insects may be hotshots
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EDITING ESSAYS
Chapter 34 • Word Choice 645
at decision making. (3) This becomes evident when a hive of honeybees
keeps growing and growing so much that it eventually outgrows its home.
(4) When that happens, the old queen shoves off, accompanied by a
swarm of about 10,000 bees. (5) Their challenge at this critical and de-
cisive moment is to fi nd the best possible location for the new hive. (6)
According to the study, the bees,
in the vast majority of cases in which
this happens, end up making good decisions.
(7) How do they swing that? (8) Do they in one way or another vote
or have a method of coming to a consensus? (9) As a means of discern-
ing the answer to this, the researchers conducted several experiments as
they observed the honeybees making their decision. (10) While the swarm
took a breather huddling together on a tree branch, scout bees searched
for suitable locations. (11) As the scout bees wended their way back, each
scout did a waggle dance to highlight what she had found. (12) Appar-
ently, during this process, some scouts fl ip fl opped and ended up dancing
to support other scouts’ fi nds. (13) The researchers concluded that the
swarm doesn’t wait for each and every one of the scouts to settle on one
location. (14) Instead, the swarm senses when a suffi cient and satisfactory
number of scouts, perhaps fi fteen or twenty, have agreed on one site. (15)
At that point, the entire swarm gets ready to make their move. (16) For
an approximate period of an hour, the bees warm up their fl ight muscles,
and during this time, the remaining scouts usually decide to support the
chosen site. (17) In this way, a solid consensus is achieved, and, in most
cases, it is the coolest possible location for the new hive.
(18) As a result of these experiments, the researchers note that the
bees’ process works because it makes sense. (19) The inside story is brought
to the group by independent individuals. (20) In the free marketplace
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EDITING ESSAYS
646 Part Six • Word Use
of waggle dancing, they openly chew the fat over it and eventually arrive
at a mutual decision. (21) The fact of the matter is that it is almost always
the right decision. (22) Are humans capable of pulling this off ?
PRACTICE 5 EDITING YOUR OWN WRITING FOR WORD CHOICE
As a fi nal practice, edit a piece of your own writing for word choice. It can be
a paper you are working on for this course, a paper you’ve already fi nished, a
paper for another course, a recent piece of writing from your work or everyday
life, or your idea journal entry. You may want to use the following chart as
you edit.
HOW TO EDIT FOR WORD CHOICE
In writing, you have only your words to help you
get your point across, so choose them carefully.
Two resources are invaluable for
fi nding the best word.
Avoid these four word-choice problems:
A dictionary
helps with
spelling and
gives defi nitions
and examples.
A thesaurus
gives synonyms
for the
word you
look up.
Vague and
abstract
words
(see p. 635)
Slang
(see p. 637)
Wordy
language
(see p. 638)
Clichés
(see p. 640)
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